Tom Hanks: Hi, I don’t know if you remember me or not. We both used to work at Great Lakes Theater Festival. Okay, not at the same time, but we met when you came back to do your first benefit at GLTF. I introduced myself saying that I might be the only person in the room who’d spent as much time as you in Municipal Stadium (I spent a summer there hawking beer and dogs).  As a long-time Cleveland Indians fan, you know the problems the team has. However, you’re one of the few Tribe fans in the position to make things better. What I’m driving at is this: You should buy the Cleveland Indians, if not outright, then at least a significant share. It would help the team compete in the free agent market and, come on, how cool would it be to own your favorite baseball team?

Emma Thompson: You really need to record audio books of all Jane Austen’s works. You did that marvelous (dare I say quintessential?) adaptation of Sense & Sensibility. I understand that making films is a long and arduous process, so I can’t really fault you for not doing film adaptations of all Austen’s works. (Which is not to say that it wouldn’t be lovely if you did, because we still lack a decent film version of Emma, and where’s the love for Northanger Abbey?) But you could pop off an audio book recording of an Austen novel in a long weekend.  Book lovers everywhere would be in your debt.

Justin Beiber: I’ll confess, I’m not a fan. However, congratulations on essentially creating your own career out of the Interwebs. You clearly understand the power of virality better than most. Here’s the thing–you’re stuck in this netherworld between teen pop star and young male singer.  What you need to do is star in a Broadway revival of Bye, Bye Birdie.  Yes, I know it’s a teen pop star role. But it would also give you a chance to show off a few acting chops. Broadway has a way of legitimizing young stars or helping them bridge the teen to adult gap. It worked for that one Jonas brother and it worked for Daniel Radcliffe. It’ll work for you. Plus, teenage girls and their parents still have lots more money that you haven’t collected yet.

Daniel Craig: You’ve reinvented and reinvigorated the James Bond franchise. Just to keep the critics on their toes, why not go the other way with your next project? Do a  romantic comedy. I’m thinking something along the lines of famous-actor-falls-in-love-with-a-normal-person scenario. Kind of a reverse of Julia Roberts in Notting Hill. But instead of falling in love with a bookstore owner, your character could fall in love with a struggling writer with a cynical streak. If you want to take some time preparing for the role by hanging out with a struggling writer with a cynical streak, I’m available. (I can help you run lines, too.)