Today would be a good day to clean, as I have the house to myself for a few hours. We have company coming over on Sunday for Easter brunch, and it would be nice to have the house looking reasonably clean for the occasion. However, the cleanliness half-life of my home is slightly less than the half-life of mendelevium-257 (5.52 hours), so by Sunday it will appear as though I have done nothing to prepare for my guests, making them feel unwanted and unloved. Clearly the optimum time to clean the house would be at about 4:00 a.m. I have actually been known to wash the kitchen floor and clean the bathroom at midnight, but you can’t vacuum when the rest of the house is sleeping. Plus, the combined energy of my dogs, child, and husband seems to create messes even when there’s ostensibly no one there. It’s either that or a poltergeist.

So what’s the optimum time to clean the house?